im scared of that middle place, like antony and the johnsons say. i have never been a middle of anything. ive been always an extreme for good or bad. and thats bad. and im also not scared. fuck it. bring it on. kill me with it.

FUCK ME

just as soon as i gained a love i never thought i would find, i lost it. i lost him. but what was i expecting? everything good for me never stayed too long. 

but it sometimes comes back to me. and goddamnit if this is one of those times then that me is fucking gone. i will be a new person. a thankful person. ive never been close enough to thankful as i should be. i have never loved anything except sorry ass you. imperfect, scratch that, perfect you.

august 6 2013 tuesday

Ryan came over last night for fifteen minutes before work and was like a blast of hot air.
 i wasnt prepared for an eagerness to be touched like he had. i liked it but had no time to register such tenderness.
 i felt bad for him.
 apparently to be hugged and to hug can be urgent and shocking. this makes me laugh.

Wrong

I tend I get drunk before really important or everyday things just because I can. I won't say what events as not to incriminate myself. But know that I'm probably drunk when you see me. It doesn't cheapen our experience, trust me, it enhances it. I don't call myself an alcoholic because that's what society would want to call it but instead I call it life. I can do what the fuck ever I want. Always. I like that fact. And I like that it'll always be that way.

Ps semi drunk right now. Semi.

Life

It's horrible when the "preferred homecare" truck looks like a loomis vehicle. Being comfortable in your end life means money deposits. Sorry, tanning and drinking and observing.

Don't ever say that again