all i could see was dust

some people may think they know who i am, but that's not true--i don't even know who i am. i guess the things that make me smile aren't the things that make you smile. when i think about my childhood--and i do often--i can see clearly a memory that most might be ashamed of, but a moment that makes me smile until i remember i'm here and not there.

i remember when my two older brothers and i walked across a huge, dusty field to the little market owned by an even littler asian man. i was about 10. the next thing i remember is the blurry face of one of my brothers yelling "GO GO GO. RUN!" and i was so confused that i started running without even knowing it. we were running so fast, and that field seemed so long, and i remember wanting to look at my brothers' faces to assess the situation. trying to gather a glimpse of their expression i saw that screaming asian man running after us and my brother pregnant with a bag of popcorn. i laughed wildly. none of us could be contained. the laughter was the momentum that got us across that field. all i could see... was dust. what took 10 minutes seemed to stop time.

surprisingly not out of breath and only a tiny, shadowed figure in that field, we sat down at the park and looked at each other until our laughter came out only in tiny bursts. we ate our victory quietly. i looked at the mastermind, my youngest brother, and he just smiled and pulled a package of gum out of his pocket and gave it to me.

that was a horrible, happy childhood. my first life was a horrible and happy childhood.
and, oddly, this song reminds me more of my childhood than your britney spears or 'n sync does. it's what i am, what i remember, what i was.